mandy

the way i feel right now could never be explained in this. its not something i can write about. youd have to feel it.
the worlds crashing down and i cant hold it up.

i dont know why i even bothered to write that.
i guess so the on the good days i can look back and laugh at myself.

only i dont know if im going to have another good day. i think i reached my limit.

this is a little bit too much right now.
i cant deal with myself
im going crazy. i feel my fucking head going crazy.

i dont know what to do for myself anymore

i was FINE.
i was doing okay and everything was fine.
what the fuck happened?

i was fine and its not fair.

im sorry
i love you
im just mean.


tired.
goodnight.

you should know whats going on with me and not have to resort to this.

love,
half crazy.

my dad decided to buy me a new alarm clock seeing as i cant get up for school anymore and all.

its one of those old fashioned ones with the bell looking things right?
so i have a theory about this one..

its going to annoy me to the point where i throw it against the wall in the morning to make it shut up.

and i still wont get to school.


sorry dad.

im in that mood again.
the one where i feel like im going crazy and my hearts going to explode.

hyper, depressed, sarcastic (AND I HATE SARCASM), tired, restless, out of my mind.

im also wondering why the fuck my family is not festive and feels the need to NOT put up a tree for goddamn christmas. its a bit ridiculous. december 6th and no tree. no decorations. god. no fucking christmas shopping even. this is really bothering me for some reason. i dont like the fact that nothings ever done in this house and that we cant even manage to get a tree up. how is everybody too busy to put up a tree? i work and go to school. full time. and even i can find the time to put up a tree. but i wont, because id rather just bitch about it. hah.

anyway. im fat still.
that will never change.

hmm. anything else?

why yes!

im going to fail at college and i might as well not go.
i wish i had a better, more fun life.
i wish i knew how to do that.
i dont want to go to school tomorrow.
i just ate a bananna for no apparent reason other than i was bored which explains why im fat.
im bingeing on orange juice. haha. i cant control it really. i just keep drinking it for some reason. i guess its not really a binge but "mindless drinking" then?

i guess thats it for now.

So this is me at 852 in the morning when id rather be dead or in bed.

I think you can pretty much tell- I HATE MORNINGS!
i look like ive been punched in the face while i was sleeping, i am terribly annoyed and aggrivated with everything and on top of that i have to go get cigs because fuck, i ran out.

this is what mornings do to me.


not to mention i hate the fucking camera built into this computer. too dark. so whats the point in having a camera if your going to put a shitty one in here? for the consumer to get upset i suppose

im a waste of life. i cant do anything right. i cant get to school on time ever. well it was nice being on high honor roll this marking period. next marking period theyll probably kick me out because ive missed about a month so far.
i blame it on my alarm clock. but is that really it? or am i just subconciously not wanting to go so i dont wake up? i can go in late but then ill get detention and thats a whole lot worse to me because ill get detention on a day i have to work at 12 and then ill miss detention and get iss and i cant very well call out of work for detention because i just cant and i feel so overwhelmed right now like i need to be at school. i feel like a failure and im not going to ammount to anything. i get anxious when im in school and when i miss school i get the same way.

i feel like i want to smash something and cry.

shitload of studying.. i think id rather not right now.

im in a decent mood. surprisingly. took my dad to the dentist to get teeth out. actually made me feel better about my day. i ate alot. donut. cake. pizza. im disgusting. i will never learn.
i wish i could just go eat icecream and not think about fat fat fat and that im a gross pig.
just for once please let me be at ease with myself and my body and food.

just once.

"Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red-and-white-striped scarf. When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow globe. He would turn it over, letting all the snow collect on the top, then quickly invert it. The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, 'Don't worry, Susie; he has a nice lfe. He's trapped in a perfect world.'"

so im in massachusettes, visiting my grandma and grandpa for thanksgiving and i got my christmas/birthday/graduation gift early. a laptop. but its a smaller one. none the less i now have my own computer for school and whatnot.. if only ill be able to figure out how to hook up the wireless on it.
i dont think im going to want to leave tomorrow. i like it here, i can see myself doing my 4 yr in this area. cc first and then who knows... boston is full of schools.

i look like a little boy. a fat little boy actually. i hate my hair. its fucked now. i might as well just go eat a doughnut. im mad. im going to go scream in the mirror for an hour now and tug on my hair till it grows.

this is bullshit.
i hate everything right now.

i think i forgot to mention that im really fat and im going to stop eating anything with fat in it. fuck fat. fat makes you FAT.
DUH

it's funny how i was prefectly fine this morning. woke up late but made it to school aroung 810. got information on scholarships and aced an english test im pretty sure. some homework and a project.
got my check. cashed it. deposited some money hoping itll be enough to pay for my insurance.

and i was fine through that all.
and now im home and im thinking of running away and jumping off a bridge. i dont feel sad. that would be inaccurate to say that. i feel hopelessness and despair and like everythings too much. but just 2 hours ago i was feeling elated and listening to my music too high and thinking well i can do it, i can handle college, hell i finally know how to study now, taught myself last night do not ask, and now i feel like that was a dream. that wasnt me. because now i feel like a whole new person. a leaf was turned over.
this negative and distraught person is me. the other side just likes to trick me into thinking i can really be great and happy.

this isn't really making any sense. i dont really understand it myself. i really dont understand why i use apostrophes one minute and the next i dont. thats got to be annoying to anybody reading this. i know its annoying me.

anyway to get to the point.

i think theres something wrong in my head. i always thought maybe there was but i think today i realized it for sure. theres something wrong. normal people dont think like this. they dont switch constantly. they dont feel like i do. but fuck it. because how am i to know whats normal and whats not. who the hell made up that protocol? maybe im normal and its everyone else whos crazy. maybe jumping off a bridge would be the most normalist (thats not a word) thing to do. maybe sleeping a week straight it normal. maybe talking to myself and telling myself to shut up stop leave me alone and telling my head please be quiet im sick of thinking! is normal. maybe all you people who have great lives and are good girls and go to harvard and become something great and live life like its the best and want 5 babies and a big house are all crazy. maybe you dont really understand anything. maybe im crazy.
why do we all look for reasons why. why do we need answers? who cares if im going a little manic sometimes and who cares if i drive down the road and imagine running into another car? who really cares? and why? what does the answer prove in the end?
nothing. its just that. an answer. and excuse. and im fucking sick of excuses. im sick of people always saying well its because... no. shut up shut up shut up. its just the way it is, just say IT IS WHAT IS IT and i dont have an excuse sorry. because its easy for me to say im crazy. its even harder to say im not. its hard to not go and find out what the hell is wrong when the reason i wont go is the reason i would have to go. anxiety. i cant go to do a docter because of my anxiety and thats why i would need to partly.
god.
here i go again. making excuses. im a hypocrite.
im done rambling on this dumb thing.
its getting me stressed.
i need to go get cigarettes.

my moods.

it runs in the family. ha!

splendid. i think im going to go drink a pot of coffee and and be manic for a little bit then. study study and clean clean clean. racing thoughts.

tomorrow ill be anxious and depressed to the point where i will stay in bed and dream of sleeping forever.

i better cherish the happiness and impulse to actually do something while i can.
because tomorrow i will want to run into a car headon.
ha


im not crazy.
"it just runs in the family"

i am uncomfortable with who i am in this world and the weight i bare.

marya hornbacher is in new paltz tonight doing a lecture.
and guess whos going?
not me.

because lately im so filled with anxiety and crap that i wont leave the house by myself. i dont want to sit there by myself. i want to see her, and hear her speak. but im too afraid of everything lately that now ill miss out on my one chance.

good going dumbass.

where the hell are you when i need you

 i cant spell it out. youve gotta be a mind reader to understand. i dont let anybody in. you made me this way.


and you dont even know.

because your not a mind reader, apparently.

gotta keep your face up